The Musing of Trangle
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| Thursday, June 23rd, 2005 | | 9:12 am |
My daddy had a heart attack yesterday. Pray for him. Please. Kelsey | | Monday, May 2nd, 2005 | | 4:06 am |
Tonight I found a new hatred for science, for relationships, and for people in general. | | Friday, April 15th, 2005 | | 6:53 pm |
You tell me I am weak. I know better. You tell me I can do nothing. I know better. You tell I'm not worth knowing. I know better. You tell me I'm worthless. But I know better. I know I am strong. I know I can do anything. I know I am at least worth knowing. I know I am not worthless. Who are you to tell me otherwise? Current Mood: determined | | Monday, April 4th, 2005 | | 7:30 am |
Overeating + Up all night doing homework + 3 caffeine pills + 2 sodas = Nauseia + backache + Still Unfinished homework + Heading off to 10 hours of class and work ='( | | Thursday, March 31st, 2005 | | 7:32 pm |
| | Monday, March 28th, 2005 | | 5:38 pm |
Blast! Didn't get an apartment for next year. Anyone have any open spots they need to fill? Kelsey | | Saturday, March 26th, 2005 | | 11:38 pm |
You leaned over and you kissed me I felt my knees go weak You leaned over and you kissed me I couldn't even speak You leaned over and you kissed me With a passion flowing free You leaned over and you kissed me Sparks flew that we could see You leaned over and you kissed me A touch so soft and tender You leaned over and you kissed me A kiss I would remember You leaned over and you kissed me I'm sure I kissed you back You leaned over and you kissed me With the fire no kiss should lack You leaned over and you kissed me You left me wanting more You leaned over and you kissed me My soul you did explore You leaned over and you kissed me My heart no longer full of pain You leaned over and you kissed me Darling, kiss me once again - Keesha Kelley - | | Thursday, March 10th, 2005 | | 8:08 pm |
On love,,,
"Even when the first wild desire is gone, especially then, there is an inherent need for good manners and consideration, for the pulling forth of effort. Two courteous and civilized human beings out of the loneliness of their souls owe that to each other." lLKA CHASE | | Tuesday, January 11th, 2005 | | 8:03 pm |
Starting to feel better and even have been meandering around floor some. Dumb mono. Prantis got tested today and turned up negative. Doctor says probably to early to tell, but I'm hoping his immune system is strong enough he won't get sick. So today at lunch I saw Bove and Sean J, and Bove was like, "so, like, half the CSH lunch table is in the reporter". SOme time last week a Reporter writer was going around asking favorite hangout spots on campus and came by the table. Kingdon, Prantis and I thought a moment, and all agreed out fave was 141-C. They asked Heise his and took a pic of Heise. Well, apparently they're putting that in the Reporter along with the pic of Heise. Awesome. Well, gotta run. Midterm exam tomorrow. Wish me luck. *crosses fingers* | | Tuesday, January 4th, 2005 | | 8:14 pm |
Back from break and into the swing of RIT. Almost. Came back still sick as ever. I literally had to get help getting up from Prantis' couch and across the hall just to get to the bloody bathroom acouple of times. Went to the doctor the other day. Mono. Joy. Except not. I blame you Tabes! ;) Anyways, so, yeah, really sick for a while, and poor Prantis is starting to feel sick now. I'm sorry honey! Work is already building up. I can't work more than an hour or two at a time, but somehow I have to write to research essays and do a lab this weekend at least. Plus I have about 200 pages of reading to do and calculus if I can find the time. Heh. Well, a lot of people has been doing end-of-year wrap-ups. WHile mine's a little late I thought it was a good idea and would like to be able to see it later. So here it goes: A year ago I was in the middle of my senior year in high school. THis was probably the first year I'd actually found a place I fit in. Elementary through highschool had been a chaotic time, never having any one friend for a very long period of time, usually told to go away because I was annoying. Well, I'd finally found some people who liked me around, and a passion for theatre at the same time. I was spending most of my time with Craig and Emily, mostly working on the Vaudeville set and Tower Trouper stuff. Within a month Tower Troupers would be going through some tough stuff. Our Vice-president, One of the co-presidents, and two members were suspended from school for drinking back stage during our vaudeville production. Amazing hting was no one ratted them out, even those who disapproved and didnt like them wouldnt turn them in. Unfortunately some teachers just noticed they're behavior onstage, particularly when Isaac dropped a girl on her head on stage in a skit...I still remember that meeting. That was tough. Sitting there deciding what to do about it. There was lots of crying at that meeting. Eventually we decided to suspend them for the rest of the year, but since two were seniors it was eventually goodbye. It was so hard to do something like that. Tower Troupers was a family, even closer than CSH by tenfold, but we had to make it clear drinking during a show going onstage is not cool, and we had already spent the last two years trying to get rid of the image we had of a buncha drunken partiers that never did anything. Difficult times. Year settled down after that. Played Poppy in Noises Off! Was awesome to finally have a lead role in a show. End of the year flew by as I tried to spend as much time with my friends as possible. Summer consisted of working to get $ for school and seeing Craig when I could. Left and got to RIT on August 26th for honors orientation. Had an awesome time. From a psychoanalytical perspective it was interesting to see the freshman forming a social structure right before your eyes. But mostly it was just a lot of hanging out. Regular orientation and classes ensued. At first I clung to my friends I made in Honors. I didnt really know anyone on floor, and no one seemed particularly interested in getting to know me. Eventually I got ot know Adam and Lucas and started to hang around floor more. By hanging out with Lucas I also ended up getting to know Bopp. Lucas and Bopp turned out to be really great friends, so I started to hang around floor more and more, much to the complaint of my honors friends. At first I tried to bring them over to join, but that really didnt work too well. Joined RITPlayers and became one of the Stage Managers for Baltimore Waltz, which meant lots of rehearsals. Generally I was on the academic side of campus from 8 in the morning to 9 - 11 at night. By this time I was basically spending all my time on CSH. I would come back exhausted and would usually crash in Lucas and Bopp's room. They were the first ones to make me feel like I really belonged on CSH and I began to get optimistic about the years to come with floor. Then Mute died. I hadn't known him well, but considered him a friend, plus I'd never known anyone who'd died before. This upset me significantly, and being the emo person I am wore it right on the outside. I've always been that way. In fact, everyone in CO is pretty much like that. It's considered good to be honest about your emotions. But NY is a different culture from there. At first I didnt even realize how different it seemed to everyone else. I mean, I didnt even notice I was acting differently than everyone else. That time until the funeral was when I felt the closest to house. I basically cut my self off from all my honors relationships at this point. FOr some reason when he died I felt I couldn't relate to anyone out of house anymore. I still find i difficult to get close to anyone not in CSH. Even going to class was hard. I just wanted to be home at CSH. This was the first time it felt like home. Then, in complete unexpectedness, that flame war broke out, first on lj, then flame. I hadnt even realized I was offending anyone, let alone intended to. I never responded as I knew anything I said would be ripped apart and no one would believe me who didnt already know me anyways. But I have to tell you, it was the most bizzare thing to read all these people argue over you, some who you dont even know, and to learn that you've gotten so much hate built up against you without even realizing it. I hate it when people dont like me, and here were a whole slew of them. Plus a lot of the stuff being said wasn't even true, and I'd somehow ended up with a bad reputation. This was especially confusing as back home I'd had the problem of having the reputation I was the goody-goody girl who wouldn't do anything. I'd never come close to sex in my life, let alone sell my self or participate in any sort of promiscuous lifestyle. At first I couldn't understand it. Actually, for a long time I didnt and just wrote it off as a bunch of cockfighting. But slowly I began to realize how I may have offended people, unintentional or no, and I began to learn how I was different from everyone else here and how they weren't used to dealing with some one like me. Around this time Bopp and Lucas and I had some conflicts I feel are to personal for livejournal, and we basically agreed it'd be better not to hangout there and to meet new people on CSH. I'd been starting to get to know Fotios and Goffin and Fred and Ethan. This brought into more CSH outings. I slowly began to be more social, though I'd always saw myself to be a social person, just in a different way than what CSH sees as social. I prefer the small groups and preferably one-on-one interactions. I find people tend to be more honest and open with you that way. But on CSH to seem social is different. You have to be "seen" so to speak. YOu not only have to be social, you have to be seen at the right events to seem social. It's like some complex game like they like to make movies about. Anyways, I got to spend some quality time with Natalie, Wendy, and Tresa. We even went shopping and they finally talked me into going to the Halloween party. That party started a whole new drama with Matt, but we needn't go into the details of that. THose are already known by those close to me and I doubt it's anything I'll forget anytime soon. While this whole traums brought me into a whole new group of friends over at 141 and with some people from down in the L, coming out of it I found my relationships on floor had suffered. Fred seemed rather cold towars me and even admitted he'd avoided me a while cuz "just to look at me was such a downer." Ethan wasn't around as much now he'd gotten together with Rebecca. Natalie was also cold to me, which I really couldn't understand and still dont. G0ffin was gone in California, though when he got back he was supportive as he'd almost always been for me. In fact he comforted me the most, even though even that was restricted to a single evening. Overall I basically had to get over it on my own for the first time as no one was really there for me. And when I did I realized for the first time I could. I didnt need to be so dependent on the outside sources and could survive on my own. But this sent me on a whole antisocial kick I'm still in the middle of. In realizing that no one could give me what I needed made me have no desire to keep trying. During this time I spontaneously ended up with Prantis (probably the best thing that's happened to me in a LONG time. Forget probably. He IS the best thing that's happened to me. I <3 you Mike!). THis brought on another series of criticisms, to the point of even being harrassed on my own whiteboard, even when I'd left messages to stop. You know, got called a trpa, etc. We got a hard time in public too. I remember going to 141 and 5-6 people calling me a trap. I specifically remember Galen telling me "Prantis got hisleg stuck in a big ol' bear trap" when I protested. We went to holiday dinner together, and for Secret Santa we expected at least one of us would begetting something to do with our relationship. His was tolerable, and even amusing once I found out who gave it, and mine was also funny. SMitha's was unexpected and hilarious, as I've well admitted by now I've got an emo problem. Then we got Mike's "extra" gift from Goffin. And my poor baby had to stand up there and read that aloud infront of everyone. Hmmm. At first I was just stunned. I still remember half the room looking at me to see my reaction. But later I got pissed. I can think of nothing more degrading than putting a paper bag over someone's head to have sex with them. I mean, hat's why those people had their heads covered while they were tortured in Iraq. It's dehumanizing. And when you've dehumanized your victim it becomes possible to do anything to them as you no longer feel the guilt associated with doing these things to a person. YOu don't have to look at their face and be forced to see the truth that they're a person just the same as you are. The snuff bag wasn't appreciated either. But overall no harm was done. Prantis and I only got closer over it. I knew if he would stand that kind of humilation and criticism from so many people, many who are his friends, that he really cared about me and is in this for the long haul. It provided an opportunity for him to show how much he cared. Wendy and Jordan and Lucas and Adam and Mike H also came to comfort me that night. ( and Jordan brought me chocolate icecream, which I stil think is awesome. YOu know just how to make a girl feel better Jordan!). It was great to know they still considered me enough of a friend to check. I suppose since my distancing from Natalie and Tresa had made me assume the same would come from Wendy, but apparently I was wrong and she was a great help. Probably the person who could relate to me best I've talked to. They cheered me right up and we all ended up going to Mark's later that night along with Sarah and Ryan Tenney. Good times. SPent most of the rest of the week starting to get sick and hanging out with Prantis, trying to cram as much stuff in together efore I had to leave. And he kept trying to convince me to "miss" my flight and come home with hime. =P Anyways, not much else happened the rest of the year. Had to say goodbye and come home, where I promptly became very sick for the rest of break. Well, I guess that was my year, and I look forward to spending the next one with my Mike. 0:) Current Mood:  sick | | Wednesday, December 29th, 2004 | | 6:29 pm |
Just found out my uncle has colon cancer. And the holidays just keep on giving. Current Mood:  numb | | 4:12 pm |
Erg, been sick for over a week now. Which means I've only been out of this house twice in 9 days. *Shudder* Plus my back's already hurting today and all I've done is sit around a do calculus homework. On the plus side last night was the best sleep I've had in well over a month. I actually woke up feeling completely rested and content. A nice change since for three nights in a row this week I wasn't able to sleep at all. Also been semi-productive over break. Finished my CS 2 project in it's entirety and submitted it successfully. Probably the most complex algorithm I've ever done. Must be an easier was to do that, which worries me... Also finished my CS2 lab, calulus 3 homework for the first week, finished mum's xmas gift on time, and installed halo. Still need to do all readings, make some $, and finish Prantis' gift. I've officially given up on getting cygwin working right until I get back to school and can have someone there help me. Yesterday finally got to go up to my mountains. Spent a couple hours just wandering around and taking pictures with my new camera. Tomorrow am hopefully going up Poudre Canyon to get some awesome pictures of that. Small two-lane road + sheer cliff walls + river = awesome. Since my parents are trying to move to North Carolina, this could be the last time I see them for a LONG time. In other random news, Liv Tyler had her baby the same day ROTK Extended Edition came out. Apparently a big day for her. Speaking of, ROTK EE is one with the awesome, though I wont talk about specifics yet as most haven't gotten a chance to see it yet. For those wanting to, I believe Lucas said something about showing them all next weekend, and I know Adam and I both want to have a movie night watching all three EE in a row, so plenty of opportunities to see it. After that it's fair game. ;) Now I'm off to enjoy a nice long bubble-bath in an attempt to make my back feel better. | | Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004 | | 9:00 pm |
ARRGG!!! I just spent at least 8 hours coding, with the only break being for dinner, and my back hurts like a bitch! My back has been hurting a lot lately and it's starting to worry me. Any suggestinos on relieving back pain? But on the other hand, my minimum submision for my CS2 project is done! Huzzah!!! I want to finish the whole project over break so I don't have to when I get back and can have fun instead. Still to do: CS2 lab, finish project, at least first week back's worth of calculus 3 homework, 125 pages of reading for judicial process, 50 pages reading for legislative process, make mother's xmas gift, finish Prantis' gift #2, get better, update web page, install halo on my home computer for my sister, get cygwin working right. Speaking of, can anyone tell me how the hell to set up cygwin? I tried today but I lose... Well, I'm off to look fo rsome pain meds... Kelsey Current Mood: In pain | | Tuesday, December 21st, 2004 | | 5:19 pm |
Went to my highschool yesterday to visit people. Made me feel better about coming back as things felt more "normal" there. Actually ended up staying several hours just talkin to people. Still haven't seen Craig though. Need to get a hold of him. Been feeling sick today for some reason. Hate being sick. Well, I guess better to be sick here where there's nothing to do than to have to go to classes sick. Taking the down time to work on my CS2 project, but got distracted with installing cygwin. Stupid dial-up taking forever to download... No more plans for break as of yet besides finishing up this homework and hopefully getting some work done. Goal is to earn $200 to pay for that TV, so that means somewhere between 3000 and 4000 tests to enter. Joy. Well, off to more homework. Hope everyone else is having fun with their break. Kelsey | | Monday, December 20th, 2004 | | 5:29 am |
Home at last
So I'm finally home in Colorado. And all I wan tis to be back at RIT. I've been here less than 24 hours and I've already had multiple fights with my sister, my mum's already treating me like a kid again, and has already started making me feel bad about myself. Yay for family. =\ ANd most of all want to be back cuz I miss my Mike. This is the longest we've been seperated for the last two weeks and I'm really starting to feel lonely. =( On the up side I got a digital camera today. Kodak, 4 megapixel, 256MB, takes video. I'm pleased with it. Now finally someone will be posting pics to neverforget besides Drew and Spank. Love photos. And best of all, if I'm taking them I don't have to be in them. ;) Well, time for church. How many days till we get back again? Kelsey P.S. If anyone has photos of me and Mike from holiday dinner could they send them to me? LetYourLoveShine@aol.com P.S.S I <3 you Mike! Current Mood: lonely | | Monday, December 13th, 2004 | | 8:03 pm |
Mike Goffin is a class-A asshole. That being said, my friends are so awesome!!! I took my first chance to escape Secret Santa last night telling to Prantis I'd see him later to find... he'd folllowed me to my room. I told him to go back or he;d miss pictures, but he said if I wouldn't come then he;d rather stay with me. I <3 you Mike! Finally I was able to convince(aka force) him to go back, but he sent Adam up to talk to me since he could tell I still wasn't ok. Spent quite a while talking to Adam. Seriously wondering if CSH is the place for me to be. Considering trying to move off floor next quarter. I mean, people say it's just few people, but I've just spent all quarter finding out more and more people don't like me. I just don't seem to fit in. Needless to say I felt pretty bad by the end of that conversation. Adam did his best, but you just can't explain away the truth. But then Wendy came in to talk to me. Haven't really talked to her in weeks. Didnt realize I was still welcome in that group. But Wendy talked to me along with Prantis and Smitha who were in my room, and that was really helpful since she can relate more than most. And I think she was the first to actually tell me and Prantis she thought we were sweet and seemed to really care about each other, which mad me feel all warm and fuzzy. I really do <3 my Prantis! Then Jordan and Lucas came in to talk too, and Jordan brought me chocolate icecream, which was one with the awesome! Thank you Jordan! You're awesome! Icecream solves all problems... But we hung out and talked a while, and then all decided to go to Mark's, which ended up being a lot of fun. Then back to the dorms and mroe time with Mike before bed. So even though Mike was a real dick and almost ruined a good night with that stupid paper bag, my friends really were there for me and helped me realize I could care less what he thinks anyways, and was able to have a great night anyways. =) Thanks you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood:  loved | | Sunday, December 12th, 2004 | | 2:08 pm |
Got good work done while Prantis did his lab. Then came back and made gingerbread houses (or gingerbread outhouse in Prantis' case). Was way too much fun (and messy). Chocolate frosting everywhere...Then went to 141. Spent half the time in Brian's room with Prantis since he's allergic to the smoke. Had a pretty good time. Drank some vodka and juice, though not enough to get drunk as I'm still sick and I started to feel nausious. Remmy was one with the awesome for downing his drink. Some people tried to give me a hard time for being a trap again, but I really don't care. I know how Prantis and I feel about each other and know it's not a trap. It got me a little down at first, but then Mike always know exactly what to say to make me feel better and realize everyone else are just being dicks. Had a good talk with Mike on the way back. Amazing how the more I talk to him the more I understand myself. So basically it comes down to Mike and I make each other happy, and that's worth every ounce of crap we get from other people, which makes it easy to just ignore. Thank you Mike for being so wonderful to me! Current Mood: loved | | 1:54 pm |
"Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving." "Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met." "People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative." "Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements...yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships." "Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence." "Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed." "Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture." [sarcasm] yay for being messed up![/sarcasm] Ahem. | | Saturday, December 11th, 2004 | | 1:52 pm |
Bleh. Hate being sick. Better when you have someone to take care of you thoough. =) Slept all day yesterday, like, 16 hours or something. Didnt see any daylight at all. Then went to Commons to pay for Smitha to eat. Bad idea. Felt like I was gonna vomit. Came back to floor and showered and stuff. Then went and watched Gladiator with Prantis and Mike H and Niel. Then dealing with uber drunk people and making sure they didnt die in the night. Watched Futurama with Mike H and Prantis while we did our laundry at 3 in the morning. Sleep finally at 6am. Then slept till 1 today, then went shopping with Smitha, Prantis, and Fotios. Dropped off SMitha and Fotios and went to Wegmans with Prantis for Secret Santa stuff. Ended up buying stuff to make a banana creamm pie, which is now sitting in the fridge. Yum... But it was really funny to be grocery shopping with Mike, it really was. Now I'm off to commons and academic side for Prantis to do his lab. Current Mood: happy | | Thursday, December 9th, 2004 | | 10:27 pm |
Good day today. Only one class today: CS2 lab 12-2 with Shaun J as my teacher, which is freakin awesome. And only one class tomorrow: calc 3 10-12. God I love my schedule this quarter. Anyways, after class had lunch with Shaun and Brenna. THen back to the dorms to watch clockwork orange (or whatever it's called) with Prantis, then biotechnology lecture for extra credit in legislative process. Prantis and I ended up walking this retired professor from U of R to his car, and it turned out to be pretty cool. All that's left tonight is to finish up the calc homework and then Drop Dead Fred with Prantis. Overall a very laid back day. Current Mood: peaceful |
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